Personal

The Battle

The Phone

The phone rings, caller known or unknown it doesn’t matter, and I stare at the screen terrified to answer. I can’t do it. I can’t talk to people right now. I can’t make a voice.

And what if they need something? What if I have to go outside? I can’t do it. I’ll let them down. I’ll fail. I know it. I’ll hate myself more. Go to voicemail. Please.

No voicemail? Maybe they’ll go away. Oh, a text. I shouldn’t read it. Are my read receipts off? Ok, I can do this. Hmm that’s not so bad. Oh that’s a nice text. I wonder if they really love me or if they’re just saying it?

The Door

Knock knock knock. Silence. Go into another room and wait for it to stop. I can’t answer, I’m sorry. I can’t hide it right now and I can’t let you see that. Leave the package at the door. Wait. Listen. Silence? Yeah. Phew.

The Hunger

Hey there. I’m back again. I know it hasn’t been long, but I wanted to make sure you remembered I can make it all go away. It’ll feel great. You’ll get that rush of serotonin and you’ll love yourself. Wouldn’t that be nice? Why go on hating everything and despairing unto death each and every minute? Go ahead. It’s just one more time. I’ll leave you alone after this one if you want! What’s the harm, anyways? I’m here to make you feel better. Don’t worry about silly calories and carbs and morbid obesity. You’ll feel so good if you just come with me.

The Job

Hey good morning how are you? Good, how are you? Good. Nice! See you later! Cya! Phew. Close one. Look back to the floor and continue walking forward.

Only 12 more hours. Only 8 more hours. I can’t do this. I need to quit. I can’t do this. You idiot you have a wife you better man up and do your stupid job and make your stupid money and pay your stupid bills. Only 4 more hours. I wonder if I can call in tomorrow? I really shouldn’t. I want to be a good employee. I don’t want to make their day harder. And she wouldn’t be too happy with me either. It’s only 2 more days. How many days off after I finish my work week? ONLY FIVE?! That’s not enough! I can’t do this anymore. Oh well, it’s okay. Maybe next month. Only 30 more days.

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